My Friendly Neighborhood Kwik-E-Mart

Above is a picture of Jessica and I standing in front of the 7-11-cum-Kwik-E-Mart in Mountain View, California. We were one of the lucky metropolitan areas to get our very own Kwik-E-Mart, so I decided I must pay it a visit, put Twizzlers on my donut, eat the decorative hot dogs, and open the non-alcoholic beer case in hopes of it leading to a secret passage. If you want to find out what really happened, keep reading.

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Mountain View.

To promote the release of the new Simpsons movie, eleven 7-11's across the country were converted to bear the resemblance of Springfield's own convenience store. Though it should be noted that 7-11 assumed all the costs of these conversions, which is something I've always wondered about. In cases of product placement, it's hard to tell who's paying who and how much. Where in one case Apple might pay a TV show to have all the characters use iMacs in their home, in another a name brand must be blurred out to avoid trademark or copyright infringement, even though it could mean free advertising for the company whose logo is now a collection of nondescript pixels. It comes down to who has the most marketing clout, who benefits who, and by how much. There has to be a mathematical equation that calculates all these variables.

What I get out of this is a box of Krusty-O's and a six pack of Buzz Cola. If you know me, you know I'll never consume either. Besides, the Krusty-O's are produced by Malt-O-Meal, famous for their brand knock-off cereal in a bag. In taste tests, [Malt-O-Meal has proven comparable to the major brands], but there's plenty of other cereal in the sea. I was a kid raised to treat baseball cards as a commodity, so the concept of "collectible" to me is, "How much will this be worth 20 years from now?" It's more than that of course, as much of my sense of humor can be attributed to the kind found on The Simpsons, and while I don't like thinking about the fact that we are not unique snowflakes, this type of manipulation was for my better. I am in awe of the fact that such a great show has run for as long as it has, while other shows are far too brilliant for their own good. Shows like Arrested Development, Strangers with Candy, and Upright Citizens Brigade (Comedy Central is sadly a repeat offender beyond these two shows) fail to appear to the lowest common denominator and thus fail to gain a sufficient audience to go on existing. Speaking of, the common denominator of all the aforementioned shows is the lack of a laugh track. What does say about the average viewer?

So out of all the cities in the country, 7-11 chose eleven to be their Kwik-E-Mart hubs. Cities like Chicago, Dallas, and NYC are to be expected, but one of these cities is not like the others. This city is Mountain View, CA, my initial home when I moved to California, and even now as a resident of Sunnyvale I live a whole block from it. Though an integral part of Silicon Valley, Mountain View doesn't conjure any mental images or recognition by name alone. Why not San Francisco, or San Jose, the 10th largest city in the country? In fact, several media outlets misreported the Mountain View Kwik-E-Mart as being located in San Francisco, when it's a good 45 minute drive away.

Then why was Mountain View picked alongside all these major metropolitan areas? It could be the fact that the Googleplex is a few blocks away. You know how nerds love their Simpsons. Or that the major 4th of July fireworks display in Silicon Valley is held just down the street at Shoreline Park. Anyone whose been to Shoreline to watch the fireworks understands why it is THE place to see fireworks. Encore after encore that will shake the ground beneath your feet. The 20-foot tall metal doors trembling like thunder was a testament to just how close you are to the Chinese sky candy.

Sufficed to say, I couldn't miss my opportunity to check out our local Kwik-E-Mart, much like I would have even if it was located in San Francisco. And while it was underwhelming (it's just a convenience store) the scene made it worth the while.

The Kwik-E-Mart had been open for business for a mere two days along its month-long lifespan, so it was still bustling with local tourists eager to live vicariously in the shoes of the average Springfield resident. A line of twenty people consistently awaited outside the store, as a security guard tightly regulated the flow of traffic through the doors. Two people out, two in. One out, one in. Mothers were separated from babies in the hysteria. Okay, nothing along those lines, but the novelty was far from worn off. The exterior looked much like that of the Kwik-E-Mart we know and love, but the interior was pure 7-11, save for the larger than life cardboard cutouts of Springfield favorites. Apu welcomed you as you walked in while Chief Wiggum floated from the ceiling, a result of ingesting too many lighter-than-air marshmallows. In the end, I decided against going in, because the effort wasn't worth it. I snapped some pictures and gawked from afar, annoyed some drivers in the parking lot, and then parted ways with the Kwik-E-Mart.

I wasn't left out entirely though. My local 7-11 was stocked with Krusty-O's, Buzz Cola, and the Slurpees were renamed Squishees. Conspicuously absent was Duff Beer which, as Bryan pointed out to me, could become a powerful brand in its own right, based on name recognition alone. As a frequent patron of 7-11, I had the opportunity to get my share, but a day later, the Krusty-O's had been wiped out completely and the Buzz Cola was soon to follow. Others had more illegal ideas on how to acquire their piece of Kwik-E-Mart history. The 7-11 signs next to the road were covered in white strips. These are strips of Remo Tape (a double-sided foam tape) that were used to affix Kwik-E-Mart logos to the standard 7-11 sign. A whole two days into the event, they were long gone.

While I didn't get into petty theft, I was a willing accomplice to a PR stunt. I bought into it even. Does that mean I'll go see The Simpsons movie? Maybe it's the subconscious nudge I needed to see it in the theaters rather than Netflix it, but I doubt I'll be able to wait that long anyway. As 7-11 incurred the entirety of the costs, the marketing was more likely to benefit them than 20th Century Fox. But this is a case where guerrilla marketing went mainstream. Rather than being sold something directly, marketing created an experience rather than an inconvenience. As a dyed in the wool Simpsons fan, it wasn't one I was going to miss.