squarehappy is Michael Huch is a cynical web developer and designer with more styles than content.

Open Your Eyes, The Funny Will Come to You

posted by Mike on 09.07.2006 2:55 PM EST | 488 comments

I wish I had pictures for all of these.

Mannequin Nip Slip

So it's low brow, stimulating for the wrong reasons, and not all that uncommon. Nothing gives an anatomically incorrect mannequin sex appeal like knowing that she's putting some effort into it. It's like the time my district manager made me take down my Gumby standup because of the bow thoughtfully placed over where his genitals would be. It's more dirty when you cover up his crotch.

I Love Seeing Children Eat...

I saw this sign hanging in the window of the local Pasta Pomodoro. The sign, in the style of the one on Pomodoro's splash page, may not have been written exactly as quoted but all meaning is preserved. The sign read:

I love seeing children eat. Their full bellies keep their pants from falling down.

Why is this Mr. Pomodoro so concerned with children pants and their ability to stay at the equator? Does he live in a world wrought with hand-me-downs and ill-fitting slacks. I'm concerned with pretty much every implicit and explicit statement on the sign. Mr. Pomodoro not only "loves" to see children eat, but he makes sure to confirm that their bellies are nice and rotund. And honestly, I think this guy wants to see kids' pants fall down. I would never have suspected it until he brought it up. If a guy comes up to you and tells you emphatically that he does not sit on his bathroom floor and smear molasses on his genitals, what would you think? You probably think I do it for even mentioning the scenario. I rest my case.

How to Get Arrested

Driving home from work one night, I spotted a car parked at a bus stop, you know, in the spot the bus is supposed to stop at. This wasn't the best idea, since the bus stop was adjacent to the city courthouse, which was adjacent to City Hall, which was adjacent to the police station. It's a hive of lawmakers and law enforcers, constantly circulating around the block, and this guy commits the most conspicuous crime possible. A non-bus parked at a bus stop sticks out like a sore thumb.

Naturally, I assumed the guy was an idiot, and joked with my friends that he'd probably stopped to take a piss. For the sake of my faith in humanity, I wish I was wrong. This guy was about ten feet from the car, still in plain sight from El Camino Real (a very large and important street), peeing on a tree, on courthouse property, next to the courthouse, next to the police station, while parked at a bus stop. I'll bet he didn't get caught.

20 Too Slow

One thing about California that I don't know how I lived without in Iowa is the roads. My favorite feature is the reflector placed between every dash of the lane dividers. I seriously don't know how people could even see the lane dividers at night. All I can see on 101 is tail lights and rows of reflectors. For the exit lanes, there are quadrants of reflectors between each dash, something which I managed to intuit on the way up here, not being familiar with any of the transportation concepts not found in Iowa. Plus, in California, every intersection has left turn lanes. Nothing sucked more than waiting for oncoming traffic to clear so some dude could turn left, and then having the light go red before you could even get in the intersection. But all of this is totally not the point.

California also paints most of the street signs' messages on the road itself, such as speed limits and stops. This is incredibly handy when there's signs everywhere and if you miss the one speed limit sign for miles you'll have no idea how fast you should or shouldn't be going. My annoyance with it is that messages longer than one line are printed bottom-to-top. This is supposed to compensate for the fact that the cars are approaching and the drivers will read the words as they approach them.

Initially I read them top-to-bottom as is the standard of the English language. I will always read the warnings backwards and they will make no sense until I remember to flip it around, which is as soon as I realize that it makes no sense. However, what if you did read it top-to-bottom, and it not only made sense, but completely reversed the original, intended meaning? Come on, try it with me.

So the grammar's not right when you read it backwards, but how many people know when to use "too" anyway? This warning is painted on the north side of the intersection of Bernardo Ave. and Fremont Ave. in Sunnyvale, CA. It looks further apart from this perspective. I wasn't in the mood to get run over on that particular occasion.

Broke Rage

Never mind the fact that the person who handles your finances is called a broker, this not so subliminal signage for an anonymous real estate brokerage takes the cake. Four windows compose the wall facing the street, the top of each containing a word, that collectively make up the business' name. What do the windows say?