Someone Stole My Hat

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HAT ATTACHED TO A DIFFERENT FACE?

At work today, I left my knitted cap on a cart that I was working on, located right next to the exit. We aren't supposed to wear hats, but I'd absentmindedly left it until I was far away from my desk. I do this all the time, never once thinking that someone would want my crud-layered, cat hair-infested cap.

Though I have received many compliments about the hat, even more than I get from my Smiths shirt, which initiates you into some sort of club apparently. (For the record, I don't listen to The Smiths.) One lady was so envious and so coked up that she accused me of stealing it from her house. After exchanging buckets catching the sweat dripping off this lady's body, I explained to her just how impossible that was.

This is a one of a kind cap folks. I received it as a gift from my coworker in Iowa, who tells me he bought it from an Afghani woman who handmade it. Inspection of the hat shows this to be true: no label, and it looks my grandma made it, except she would stitch my name into the front. In spite of the heavy use and abuse I've put it through, it has long outlasted any article of clothing I've purchased from a store. All of these reasons, plus the fact that the hat just looks awesome is what makes me so very sad to see it go. Oh yeah, MIKE ANGRY, too.

Since the hat is one-of-a-kind, you are relieved of any legal obligation to not kick the ass of anyone you see wearing it, provided that person isn't me. Hell, I'll even provide a bounty of $25 to anyone who retrieves it for me, $50 if it's out of state (that state being California).

It's not the greatest picture of the hat, so here's a half-assed description. It touches most all the colors of the rainbow, but gold, orange, and black dominate. They zig-zag and make other interesting patterns in a stripe around the hat. Then the hat is again white at the top, with floppy white and black strands coming out the top. When I say white, I mean it was white when it was new; it is now pretty dirty. And not only as a reminder but just because you want to see it again: